Bit by bit, I am slowing deleting myself, erasing any memory of me from the minds of everyone I have met. I cry wolf about a lot of things, and I don’t know…. I figured that if I kept certain things a secret from myself, even as I was performing the action, it would eventually catch up with me and force me beyond the maximum capacity of my ability to cope with it. Weakness does become me and it tends to couple with loud cries of indignation that resound off the dead cement walls they built around me as I screamed at the top of my lungs, “I can fly, I will scream, I will break my arm.” They built the stone surrounding without a roof so that I could still howl at the moon and smile at the sun, thinking that this was a mercy to me… but the Gemini identity of our day star and its white nighttime reflection is was drove me to the limits of lunacy. When gravity gives way and my prophecy comes true, when I lift off the ground and fly of my own free will (with only Winston Smith as a witness), the sons of my captors will fall to the ground and speak in tongues, single licks of flames upon their forehead to signal the final days of Christ. Third Impact, rapture Armageddon.
As I was walking to the Metcalfe Library this evening I had only one hand in my jacket pocket, the other swinging dainty at my side, not unlike Ritsuko Akagi. Meanderings of my mind always question peculiar components, like the Japanese adage that says people with humble hearts tend to hide their hands, like keeping them in their pocket… Final Fantasy VIII and the Evangelion commentary touch upon this: The Shumi tribe in Trabia, and Master NORG… and then, “Compare Kaworu to Gendo; how often do you see each man’s hands?” This is like karma, I presume. A person cannot enact good deeds with the conscious intent to receive good karma in return, just like me hiding my hands does not make me a genuinely humble person. I do, however, catch myself off guard….
In every avenue, I see only loss and failure for myself. Micheal told me that I feign my low self esteem and my pessimism in order to receive compliments and encouragement, like reverse psychology. Many of the things that have been said to me over the past year have been etched into my unconscious, regardless of whether the things were said to hurt me, or to force me into certain types of behavior—-or even if he said it with good intentions, to make me stop hating myself.
This is what’s going to happen: I am going to wake up tomorrow and do basically the same thing that I did all day today, which was running back and forth between Metcalfe and Sunnyside libraries, not just to kill time, but to get exercise as well. Never mind that I have been writing along the way, and making videos and audio recordings. I shall continue the same pathetic routine unless something disturbing or groundbreaking occurs on my way home, or at home. These extraordinary interruptions are more common than I would like, so if I do not wind up performing the same routine tomorrow that I did today, please know that I wanted to spill my guts and bleed out all the feelings I have left in me until there was nothing left inside, here on this blog, and over on my other pages as well.
I do not enjoy this life. I do not enjoy this lifestyle. I do not have any real hope for the future. Even with William, this latest encounter, I spent the entire time with him dreading the moment we said goodbye because I knew it would be the first and last goodbye. Call it a self fulfilling prophecy if you must, or call it a blessing in disguise, but I am sick of saying goodbye, and I am beginning to have to trick myself into saying hello in the first place. It never works out and was it worth it? There was precisely one hour of happiness in the 48 hours we spent together, but I stretched out that one hour in my own mind by anticipating its arrival and then highlighting it in my memory. If it was not for my own determination and effort of will, the traumatizing incident would have remained just a traumatizing incident. Is it really for the best that I keep lying to myself, about the true nature of this reality and the ultimate failure of mankind?
….Of the many half-baked ideas I never see to the end, I hope the one I have in my mind at this moment really does take flight. Get as close to the fire as I am capable of doing, and then surround myself with the appropriate people to give me that little nudge necessary